pause before you...ah, forget it...im rich.

...so basically play before you pause...if you are not wealthy. however, if you have money and people to take care of your baby while you go out and preach abstinence (irony) and make commercials (and not to mention tens of thousands of dollars) that only stem from the fact that you did get knocked up, well then, in the words of the great poet missy elliot...get ur freak on.

some people think she is doing a good thing by going out and preaching abstinence to teens because she has been there and, well, she knows all about it! i have a feeling that putting on jeans and a plain t-shirt and filming a PSA in an empty apartment with some child actor is far from what it's like actually living alone in an empty apartment with a baby that forces you to sacrafice everything just so that it can eat and have diapers. nice try bristol palin, but i would have to say your psa is an epic failure.

also an epic failure, your mom. at pretty much everything other than saying really stupid shit.

16 and pregnant...oops

so apparently i am playing a new game called "how many generic rejections can i get from mgm mirage"

Dear SAMANTHA,
Thank you for your interest in the position of CONCIERGE at Mandalay Bay.
Unfortunately, we are unable to extend a job offer to you at this time.

Dear SAMANTHA,
Thank you for your interest in the position of CONCIERGE at Mirage.
Unfortunately, we are unable to extend a job offer to you at this time.

Dear SAMANTHA,
Thank you for your interest in the position of SLOT MARKETING ANALYST at Mirage.
Unfortunately, we are unable to extend a job offer to you at this time.

Dear SAMANTHA,
Thank you for your interest in the position of ADVERTISING ACCOUNT SUPERVISOR at MGM MIRAGE.
Unfortunately, we are unable to extend a job offer to you at this time.

fml.


if you almost hit a homeless person with your car are you obligated to give them a couple dollars for the trauma they may or may not have experienced?


after watching my fav fav fav reality show, 16 and pregnant, very thoroughly over the last few months, i have decided that maybe it needs a cooler name. 16 and pregnant...then something clever. the following are my suggestions;

16 and pregnant

...because abortion isn't an option in our conservative family
...because my piece of shit boyfriend will change when the baby comes, i just know it
...neither of us have jobs but we will make it work
...but i still think i should be able to party every night
...because my mom will just take care of the baby
...fuck, this was a bad idea
...and my piece of shit boyfriend is still a piece of shit, damn

when if doubt, go with slutty mannequins

i was at subway yesterday getting my usual turkey breast footlong and i noticed something odd. on the menu, they had some options for more "healthy" beverages and sides. you can get a bottle of water and apples with your sub if you want. wonderful, isnt it?

however, as i was at the register i noticed that they also had a very plentiful offering of cookies. chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin, sugar...all looked delicious and fantastic. in front of the cookies, though, was a little sticker placed on each cookie shelf that read "c'mon, one won't hurt"

"hey there, we know you are a little overweight so we have made it easy for you to choose healthy options for your lunch. aren't we great? yeah, we know. the only thing is, we also know that you will rationalize water and apples as a reason to get a cookie, so...C'MON, ONE WON'T HURT!".

assholes.

i was driving to work today and on the side of the i-15 there is this random used car lot. what i noticed today, however, was the hot new addition of scantily clad mannequins to the car lot. in no way can i convince myself that this place has a marketing person, but if they did, i would suggest that person be fired. what i imagine is this:

owner: "how can we get people to our used car lot"
salesman: "what about a billboard ad"
owner: "no, too expensive"
salesman: "ad in the paper"
owner: "still too much"
salesman: "mannequins dressed up like slutty women"
owner: "BINGO!"

nothing makes me want to buy a severely dented dodge neon more than a whorish mannequin leaning on the fence next to it.

thanks alot, jesus. if that's really your name.

there is a billboard on the side of the i-15 southbound that reads "heaven or hell"...and under heaven there is a phone number to call and under hell it quotes a bible verse or something.

1. the phone number for heaven is an 877 number. you call yourselves righteous? more like cheapskates.

2. i once called the number to see what happened and a man with a strong middle eastern accent answered and identified himself as pastor something or other. apparently even heaven outsources their call centers. i hung up though because i really didn't have anything to say to heaven. which leads to...

3. where is the phone number for hell!?!!? id honestly rather call hell. i mean, who wouldn't want to know what their accommodations are going to be for eternity? do i need a toothbrush? are ipods provided? do they serve premium liquor? this is the important stuff.

thanks for nothing heaven billboard. also thanks for sending jobs overseas. isn't jesus supposed to like america the best?

doesn't my face look cool at this angle?

i was driving home from class the other night and i saw a truck with a bumper sticker that said "like it or not, obama is a bum". really? is that all you could think of? a bum. nothing intelligent involving maybe something that would show you actually have any other knowledge of obama or politics in general? nice job asshole. did i mention he was driving a teal colored dodge truck and had on a trucker hat and a gross amount of facial hair? oh, i didn't mention that? ok, well now i did. maybe someone will agree that before you go around making accusations about people, you may want to check and make sure you are not the websters dictionary definition of that exact thing. sometimes i think freedom of speech should only be given to people who are a) smart enough to speak or b) hilarious.


why is it that when people take pictures of themselves, they fail to notice the shit in the background. note: its ok to take your own picture as long as it doesn't scream "desperate for attention"...and we all know what i am talking about. regardless, i have seen several of these where behind the idiotic facial pose, which as we all know just reeks of sex appeal, there is shit all over the floor or shit all over the bathroom sink. side thought: bathroom mirror pictures are reallllly stupid. your shower curtain was not made to be a glamour shots backdrop. sorry.

back to my initial thought...do people actually think their mediocre looking face is going to take away from the fact that they are a dirty slob? do they actually think "god, i am so attractive that no one will notice that pile of dirty clothes"? i have an idea. how about we clean our room before we take stupid pictures of ourselves. that or maybe before you buy a camera you have to take a test for narcisism. my guess is the people who i am talking about don't even know what "narcisism" means...and if they did, you couldn't find out because they are probably too busy in the bathroom taking their own picture.

hate your life? watch saw movies.

today i was laying around aimlessly doing nothing. i was bored and i thought "wow, this is kind of a shitty day". i then turned on saw II and there was a scene where a girl gets thrown into a pit of needles and has to search for a key. i then realized that maybe my day wasn't going so badly. i then came across saw III on the tv where a man was being drowned in liquified pigs. yeah, freshly blended whole pigs...one at a time. again, maybe i shouldn't complain.


i was at ross in the shoe section and i overheard a employee say "yeah, those shoes are so comfortable except that they kill your ankles". so what she was saying is that the shoes are so comfortable except that they are incredibly uncomfortable? thanks for the advice ross employee. do you have any underpants that are so comfortable except that they cause a weird itch? maybe you have some towels that are so comfy except that they don't dry you off?


at the gym by my house they only have 4 tvs, one of which they play fox news. i happend to look over and bam, there he was, mister "alcoholic convienently turned mormon" glenn beck. i found it ironic that he was talking on the subject of indoctrinating children with lies. ironic because his viewing audience are pretty much conservative bible beaters at a 7th grade reading level to whom he indoctrinates with lies. anyways, i was watching this and i thought "oh no, someone here may think i am actually interested in glenn beck" but then i realized i had a disgusted look plastered on my face. crisis averted.

gym bag for sale

yesterday at the blackjack tournament i was reminded of the fact that there is no way that god exists. here is why. i was sitting next to a grumpy old lady who apparently had places to be. my advice to her would be don't sign up for a tournament if you made other plans. either way, she had one of the worst attitudes i have seen in a long time. the moral of the story, however, is that she got dealt the best hands. i find it hard to believe that any god would allow someone with such a bad attitude to get so many 20's and 21's. no way.


the other day i was in the vicinity of a las vegas athletic club that i had never been to and i needed a quick workout so i decided to try it out. i should have known from the outside that it wasn't somewhere i should go, but i wasn't gonna judge the book by its cover. i totally should have. not only was this place older than the ghetto women's workout world in tinley park, illinois, but when i was trying to get my shit and get out, a larger naked lady came over and stood right next to me, blocking my exit path. in addition, her bare ass touched my gym bag.

i understand that i could have never known from the outside of the building that my gym bag would be sexually molested by an old lady's butt or that when i got on the treadmill my head would be a foot from the massive television due to low ceilings, but something tells me that there was a reason i knew not to go there before. however, i did learn a valuable lesson.

when you look at a gym from the outside and it looks like it was built in 1948, there is a good chance someone who was born in 1948 will be naked in there. also, it will smell like death.


it kind of sucks when you get into an mba program and you are right at the end ready to graduate and then you realize, "wow, they let anyone in here".