katy perry - california gurls
...with commentary.
i know a place where the grass is really greener
yeah, it's called 80% of the united states, what are you getting at?
warm wet and wild there must be something in the water
agreed, agreed, and it's called salt you idiot.
sipping gin and juice laying underneath the palm trees (un-done)
more like UN-employed apparently. and good job on financial responsibility you alcoholics.
the boys break their necks trying to creep a little sneak peek (at us)
that's so cute. pedophiles in the making. do they also sneak peaks at the animals they torture?
you can travel the world but nothing comes close to the golden coast
i really liked london alot. paris was really nice. and if we are on the topic of places better than the "golden coast"...there is a truck stop in michigan that serves great cheese fries.
once you party with us you'll be fallin love
or you'll become a crack addict. or you will get a job working at a restaurant while you try and advance your non-realistic acting career.
california gurls we're unforgettable, daisy dukes bikinis on top
if by unforgettable you mean trailer trashy skanks who i would point out in public, then yes, you are quite unforgettable.
sun kissed skin so hot we melt your Popsicle
that's great, but will melted popsicles slow down the rate at which your skin cancer develops?
california gurls we're undeniable, fine fresh fierce we got it on lock
if we are going with alliteration, i would like to add "fucking freaks".
sex on the beach we got sand in our stilettos
so not only do you dress like skanks, you act like it too! be careful, sand in THOSE places can cause infections...
we freak in my jeep snoop doggy dogg on the stereo
what year is it?
...and then it just keeps repeating. shoot me.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
stay with me and we will eat mcmuffins all day
for some reason, everything exciting in my life happens at mcdonalds.
this morning i had to drag my lazy ass inside because there were 12 cars in the drive thru and i had no patience. as i am walking out with my cup of glorious diet coke, a man in his 50's says to me "please stay". note: i don't know this man.
i quickly responded with "gotta go to work!" and booked it out.
all i have to say is that if you want me to call off of work and stay with you...at mcdonalds...you have to be younger than 50. also alot better looking. also not the type of person who hits on women in mcdonalds at 750am. also have alot of money.
the other day i was going through the drive thru and there was a very distinct line that came out. i was waiting and suddenly this women decides to make her own drive thru line and then proceeds to cut me. now there were two options.
do nothing. do something.
i was in the mood. so i beeped. the first reaction from the cutter was to do some crazy hand motion at me and then flip me off. let me remind you, we were sitting in line, so there was no moving away. most of the time if you cut someone off or do something road rage-ish you can avoid eye contact. i could not. but i didnt care because cutters are rude. after her hand motions, i thought the hand signal assault was over. it was, but the verbal was just about to begin. i was look down for 8 cents and i look up only to see her window down, her face out of it, and i hear a very strong f-bomb dropped right in my direction.
sometimes ill sit around and wish i had a total beater piece of crap car. why? because when you run that bad boy into some asshole driver, any damage you cause you can just shrug off because well, you drive a beater!
i was at the school of hair design the other day and for the most part, it was people who just needed basic stuff. however, directly behind me was a woman who had come in to have her hair done for her wedding. now i am not one to judge but if there is one day that you may want to splurge on your hair, considering the amount of pictures and such, it would be your wedding day, right? i know not everyone has the money and i get that, but when it's your wedding day and you go to get your hair done, there should be no "we are not responsible for fucking up your hair" waivers involved. thats just me.
even my cheap ass would go to a salon. or what would happen is that i would plan on going to the school of hair design, i would tell my mom, and she would say something like "oh sam, i can give you a little money if you want to go to a real salon". this would be once she came out of "shocked" mode that i was actually getting married in her lifetime.
this morning i had to drag my lazy ass inside because there were 12 cars in the drive thru and i had no patience. as i am walking out with my cup of glorious diet coke, a man in his 50's says to me "please stay". note: i don't know this man.
i quickly responded with "gotta go to work!" and booked it out.
all i have to say is that if you want me to call off of work and stay with you...at mcdonalds...you have to be younger than 50. also alot better looking. also not the type of person who hits on women in mcdonalds at 750am. also have alot of money.
the other day i was going through the drive thru and there was a very distinct line that came out. i was waiting and suddenly this women decides to make her own drive thru line and then proceeds to cut me. now there were two options.
do nothing. do something.
i was in the mood. so i beeped. the first reaction from the cutter was to do some crazy hand motion at me and then flip me off. let me remind you, we were sitting in line, so there was no moving away. most of the time if you cut someone off or do something road rage-ish you can avoid eye contact. i could not. but i didnt care because cutters are rude. after her hand motions, i thought the hand signal assault was over. it was, but the verbal was just about to begin. i was look down for 8 cents and i look up only to see her window down, her face out of it, and i hear a very strong f-bomb dropped right in my direction.
sometimes ill sit around and wish i had a total beater piece of crap car. why? because when you run that bad boy into some asshole driver, any damage you cause you can just shrug off because well, you drive a beater!
i was at the school of hair design the other day and for the most part, it was people who just needed basic stuff. however, directly behind me was a woman who had come in to have her hair done for her wedding. now i am not one to judge but if there is one day that you may want to splurge on your hair, considering the amount of pictures and such, it would be your wedding day, right? i know not everyone has the money and i get that, but when it's your wedding day and you go to get your hair done, there should be no "we are not responsible for fucking up your hair" waivers involved. thats just me.
even my cheap ass would go to a salon. or what would happen is that i would plan on going to the school of hair design, i would tell my mom, and she would say something like "oh sam, i can give you a little money if you want to go to a real salon". this would be once she came out of "shocked" mode that i was actually getting married in her lifetime.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
...these are their stories.
today i was driving into work and i looked over at a blue ford focus, only to see what looked like the 18 year old version of the tall scary looking rapper dude on law and order svu. i had to google the show to remember that his name is ice-t, however my gut instinct was to tell this young man that he looked like that rapper guy from law and order svu. i would have just said law and order, but for those of us who watch, we know that's not sufficient.
however, while i would have liked to inform him of this resemblance, anyone who knows what ice-t looks like would also know that if you see his 18 year old twin driving down the street, yelling something out your window probably is not the best idea. also, he most likely wouldn't know what i was talking about.
people who watch law and order svu all look alike. we are a very unique group of people and we all have that look in our eye. that look that says..."hey, i want to watch a crime show, but not any crime show. i want to see some sexually based offenses that are considered especially heinous. also, i would like to know that the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the special victims unit"....and we all want to know these stories.
also, those us who watch also have had this happen:
Person 1 - "hey, what are you watching"
Person 2 - "law and order svu"
***show comes back on***
Person 1 - "oh, i've seen this one, want me to tell you what happens?"
Person 2 - "yeah, i've seen it too, it's a good one though...can you believe it's the mom?!?"
every morning i stop and get my $1 diet coke at mcdonalds and 90% of the time they get it right. however, every now and then, i go to take a big gulp and get a mouthful of regular coke. this would be a bad situation if it weren't for the fact that i love mcdonalds cokes. what i don't love is the 8000 calories. so to make up for it, i just don't eat breakfast. if i am lucky enough for the universe to provide me a regular coke, i don't want to mess with that. granted there is no nutritional value in 32 oz of coca cola...but we all need a big cup of empty calories every now and then. i also like to think that they gave my diet to someone who ordered regular...and anyone who drinks regular and accidentally takes a big swig of diet coke knows what that situation is going to be like...and i think that is hilarious.
however, while i would have liked to inform him of this resemblance, anyone who knows what ice-t looks like would also know that if you see his 18 year old twin driving down the street, yelling something out your window probably is not the best idea. also, he most likely wouldn't know what i was talking about.
people who watch law and order svu all look alike. we are a very unique group of people and we all have that look in our eye. that look that says..."hey, i want to watch a crime show, but not any crime show. i want to see some sexually based offenses that are considered especially heinous. also, i would like to know that the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the special victims unit"....and we all want to know these stories.
also, those us who watch also have had this happen:
Person 1 - "hey, what are you watching"
Person 2 - "law and order svu"
***show comes back on***
Person 1 - "oh, i've seen this one, want me to tell you what happens?"
Person 2 - "yeah, i've seen it too, it's a good one though...can you believe it's the mom?!?"
every morning i stop and get my $1 diet coke at mcdonalds and 90% of the time they get it right. however, every now and then, i go to take a big gulp and get a mouthful of regular coke. this would be a bad situation if it weren't for the fact that i love mcdonalds cokes. what i don't love is the 8000 calories. so to make up for it, i just don't eat breakfast. if i am lucky enough for the universe to provide me a regular coke, i don't want to mess with that. granted there is no nutritional value in 32 oz of coca cola...but we all need a big cup of empty calories every now and then. i also like to think that they gave my diet to someone who ordered regular...and anyone who drinks regular and accidentally takes a big swig of diet coke knows what that situation is going to be like...and i think that is hilarious.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
food.
why is it that people feel so inclined to be assholes at subway? i was getting my lunch today and i was literally sandwiched (no pun intended) between two total assholes. both asshole women. and yes, women can be real assholes.
the woman before me was about 75 years old and i was thinking..."i bet her and her cheap ass looking husband are going to split one sandwich and one soda." if i had a dollar for being correct, i would be one dollar richer. now the thing is, i don't even give a crap that they split the damn sandwich and soda. i could care less. what i did care about was her shitty attitude and the method by which she requested cheese on her sandwhich. this old hag ordered one piece of each cheese, to be distributed in that order, and specifically with the pepperjack cheese on the end. the guy accidentally placed the cheese in the third spot rather than the fourth. big mistake.
the woman behind me walked up, ordered three sandwiches in about 4.6 seconds, and then stood there pissed of when he confirmed the bread type and size. she also had on terry cloth pants and had a strong new york accent. i would have said something but in all honesty, i would have gotten my ass kicked. she looked like a hair puller.
then to top this whole thing off, when i asked for vinegar on my sandwich, the girl covered my veggie delight not in vinegar but rather in oil. she then attempted to scrape it off, but upon seeing the look of horror on my face, decided a new sandwich was in order.
thanks.
i hate people who act disgusted by fast food.
"oh my god, i would never put that garbage in my body. my body is a temple".
oh f**k off! if you can't sit down every now and then and enjoy a delicious burger with cheese and sauces and other meats that only cost you $2.99 and took 30 seconds to make...you are not american. go over to france, eat some bread, and stop trying to make the rest of us feel like crap!
some people like to think of themselves as food snobs. i just like to think of them as the people that don't ever get invited out to happy hour and then wonder why.
"its not that we don't like you...it's just that...well...yeah, your judgemental attitude and bad personality makes you annoying. also, we want to eat half price appetizers and don't need your disapproving looks. also, you were right, we just don't like you"
the woman before me was about 75 years old and i was thinking..."i bet her and her cheap ass looking husband are going to split one sandwich and one soda." if i had a dollar for being correct, i would be one dollar richer. now the thing is, i don't even give a crap that they split the damn sandwich and soda. i could care less. what i did care about was her shitty attitude and the method by which she requested cheese on her sandwhich. this old hag ordered one piece of each cheese, to be distributed in that order, and specifically with the pepperjack cheese on the end. the guy accidentally placed the cheese in the third spot rather than the fourth. big mistake.
the woman behind me walked up, ordered three sandwiches in about 4.6 seconds, and then stood there pissed of when he confirmed the bread type and size. she also had on terry cloth pants and had a strong new york accent. i would have said something but in all honesty, i would have gotten my ass kicked. she looked like a hair puller.
then to top this whole thing off, when i asked for vinegar on my sandwich, the girl covered my veggie delight not in vinegar but rather in oil. she then attempted to scrape it off, but upon seeing the look of horror on my face, decided a new sandwich was in order.
thanks.
i hate people who act disgusted by fast food.
"oh my god, i would never put that garbage in my body. my body is a temple".
oh f**k off! if you can't sit down every now and then and enjoy a delicious burger with cheese and sauces and other meats that only cost you $2.99 and took 30 seconds to make...you are not american. go over to france, eat some bread, and stop trying to make the rest of us feel like crap!
some people like to think of themselves as food snobs. i just like to think of them as the people that don't ever get invited out to happy hour and then wonder why.
"its not that we don't like you...it's just that...well...yeah, your judgemental attitude and bad personality makes you annoying. also, we want to eat half price appetizers and don't need your disapproving looks. also, you were right, we just don't like you"
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