Monday, August 30, 2010


it seems like any time i read an article about people who are billionaires, there always seems to be this common theme of living a frugal lifestyle.  they have billionaires living in regular sized houses and driving beater cars.  the message always seems to be that people with lots of money have all that money because they are frugal.  needless to say, i would disagree.  call it a hunch, but i suspect being frugal did not make you billions of dollars.  ask anyone i know and they will tell you that while i am not cheap, i rarely if ever pay full price for most things.  this is frugality.  now go look at my bank account and you will see that that I am about...a billion dollars away from being a billionaire.

i personally think billionaires live frugally because they know that if they don't want to, they don't have to.  imagine you are driving down the street in your beat up 98 escort.  someone yells out the window "nice car loser"...and you continue on just a little more depressed than you were a minute ago.  now imagine you are a billionaire and the same thing happens.  not only can you say to yourself "fuck that person, i'm a billionaire"...but as a billionaire, you realistically have the power to get that person's license plate, have a friend get their information, and then have them disappear off the face of the planet without a trace. 

other options include following them to the subway they are going to, walking in, beating them with a tennis racket (assuming you have one), and paying everyone in the subway to pretend like they never saw it...or running their car off the road and then when they get out of the car, having a conversation with them about how rude it is to make fun of people.  the last one anyone could really do, but i am guessing there would be damages to the cars and considering it would be the billionaires fault, he or she would most likely have to pay.  and that would be okay because unless like most of us who are unwilling to spend $2000 to make a point, a billionaire probably wouldn't mind.  either way, being a billionaire opens up so many doors when it comes to social injustice.  also i would imagine it would open many door when it comes to fine dining and shoe shopping.

i don't know if there is anyone out there reading this that can relate, but i have to say that if you ask any person who has ever been in a real spelling bee...and didn't win...they can tell you exactly what word they went out on and how they incorrectly spelt it.  looking back, the fact that i could spell "electroencephalograph" but couldn't manage to get "rehearsal" out is really pathetic.

"rehearsal, R-E-H-E-A-R-S-E-L, rehearsal" - i was the smartest person in my class and went out on that. i always seemed to find little ways to remind my mom how great it was that she was paying tuition for me to be at a private catholic school.  nothing says "thanks mom" like 11th place at a spelling bee.

i will say, they did give us a 15 page long word list to study, but just like every other test in my life, i studied all the details of the event and the people involved and where it took place and the reasons it happened...but yeah, i forget to look at the year...and thats the only fucking detail that is asked for on the damn test!

i remember vividly that justin nelson, my male counterpart in grade school (we were both fat and smart) placed higher than me in that spelling bee.  i didn't mind justin except for the fact that he was the source of much stress in my grade school life.  for some reason because we were both fat and smart and i just so happened to trade my lunchable meat stack for his bag of chips at lunch time, we were somehow "dating".  i always had to dispel the myth that we were a hot item.  last time i checked, there are a few ways to tell if two people are dating.  not one of them has anything to do with the stack of ham out of a lunchable.  fuckin third graders. they can be real assholes.

Monday, August 9, 2010

shark week

i didn't want to do it. i really did not. but i did.

i turned on discovery and watched the top five eaten alive by a shark stories. honestly, the title was misleading.  these people were all still alive, therefore they were not eaten alive. obviously.

my favorite one was a guy who found his head and shoulders inside of a great white's mouth.  i have got to say, i give the guy credit.  he fought the shark. i can't say i would do the same if i found myself in a sharks mouth.  regardless after a good fight, the shark let him go and he swam up to the boat.  he then decided that he was not going to stop diving in the same waters because he was not going to "let the shark win". 

last time i checked, having a shark try and eat you is not something that the shark did in an effort to fuck you up emotionally.  he was hungry. he saw food. he bit into the food.  this isn't some on and off relationship where you tell yourself you have to get back on the dating scene otherwise your ex-girlfriend wins the fight by knowing she fucked you up in the head.  its a shark. if you show up again and the shark is hungry, he will try and eat you.  there is not emotional or mental aspect.  you look like big fish and you taste delicious.  thats all the shark knows. idiot.

i also watched "i didn't know i was pregnant".  first of all, the fact that they have enough stories to create a weekly program out of this situation is pretty god damn scary...for any woman.  second, the specific one i was watching involved a woman who was in terrible pain, bleeding from her lady parts...and when the baby finally came out decided that the paramedics were crazy and there was no way that was her baby.  really lady?  your bleeding and having terrible cramping and then something comes flying out of your vagina to which you claim "made me feel so much better"...and there is a baby covered in uterus goo...and you still think there is no way it was yours?  after she finally figured out it was, she then told her other kids that they would be bringing home a special souvenir from their boating trip.  i don't know about you, but if my mom and dad went on a boating trip one day and came back with a baby, i would first wonder if my parents were kidnappers and then i would be pissed because babies get more attention.  thats bullshit mom and dad!!  i would rather just have a keychain!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

flower arrangements

yesterday a woman came into our office.  this woman had two fake flower arrangements in her hands and stated that "hi, i make these, i have MS, this is my part time job". regardless of the fact that she looked like she hadn't showered in a few days and may have been crazy, i asked her if she had a card.  i was then told that she did not have a card and that i should just buy one of the two she was shoving in my face.  she then exclaimed "aren't they pretty". 

one of them had a huge owl decoration thing and it was totally pretty. pretty creepy.

i then passed her off onto my coworker who was nice enough to agree that they are pretty, but unfortunately she was not interested.  the lady then looked at me one more time in the hopes that maybe in the last 24 seconds i had found a need for her arrangements.  i did not. she got a sad face and left.

i then thought to myself "we really need to get a no soliciting sign".

last night i was laying in bed starving and with a headache.  i figured that this may have been caused be a lack of any food during the day, possibly..  i then made the decision that sleep was not going to happen until i put something in my mouth. dirty.  i went downstairs and grabbed two string cheese sticks and stole one of gma's diet cokes.  i then sat in my bed, eating what felt like the most delicious meal of my life.  it was that incredible of a meal that instead of being a civilized human and throwing the wrappers away, i was so happy that i just passed out.  can i just say that waking up with a string cheese wrapper stuck to your arm is both confusing and uncomfortable.  plus its not even classy.  and i wasn't even drunk.   i don't even know why im making this public knowledge.

sometimes when i blog, i think that maybe i should not be sharing such intimate details of my life and my thoughts.  i then realize that sometimes, we need to know that there are people out there that are more fucked up in the head than we are.  if i can be someone's "girl who's more fucked up in the head" than that person, i feel honored.  the reality is that it's a win win.  people can feel better about themselves, and i have the ability to save all of it so that 20 years down the line when my kids wonder why the hell they are so fucked up, they can have visual proof that it's not my fault. it's just genetics. and they should be happy that i only passed down my weirdo genetics and not my giant ass ones!

Friday, July 30, 2010


so today is our company bowling party and i am proud announce that contrary to my normal reaction to bowling where i get word vomit and start telling everyone how i was all conference bowler sophomore year setting up everyone to be sorely disappointed when i suck, i kept my mouth shut. 

for me bowling has always been an interesting experience.  typically, someone will suggest it, which is when i then go into my schpeal about how amazing i am and how i can prove it with my 7th place ribbon if they would like.  i then show up, can't find a ball that is both visually pleasing and the right weight.  i bowl two frames and then my middle finger turns purple and hurts...and i then hate myself for agreeing to bowl.  this is not made up. this is what is and will happen for the rest of my life.  luckily, unlike most bowling experiences, this one today will have booze.  for some reason i think i may be able to handle the finger pain if i am tipsy and stuffing pizza in my face.  this is just a guess.

speaking of all conference bowler sophomore year...yeah, i have no real idea how that happened.  i do have the ribbon stating 7th place and somewhere i have a plaque. what i can't seem to grasp is how this all come to be considering i have never been good at bowling. not even close to good.  i never had a fancy glove or wrist thing...or anything else that bowlers use.  i also didnt know how to make my ball curve like the good people do.  i just aimed.

apparently, somehow, on the one day that it all counted....i must have just aimed really well. so well, in fact, that of all the people bowling, i hit the 7th most highest greatest amount of pins. or my score was the highest.  or something like that.  

in all honesty, i just saw being on the bowling team as something to do after school...and it was free bowling! who doesn't like free bowling?

today i heard the good charlotte song "boys and girls"...and one set of lyrics goes "not much to say in most conversations, but he'll foot the bill in all situation. 'cause he pays for everything".  is it bad that all i could think was that this was my type of man.  lets me talk about myself all the time and just pays for my shit.  i wouldnt even mind if he was a little stupid. damn.

Monday, July 12, 2010

free stuff.

why is it that the only time people get to have parties where they are showered with gifts is right as the are doing something that may or may not be a HUGE mistake?

bridal shower
baby shower

now don't get me wrong, i don't want to put down the idea of getting married, having a baby, or getting a new house...but say that in my life, i choose not to get married, have a baby, or buy a house.  does this mean that i don't deserve to be showered with new kitchen and bathroom accessories at any point?  does the fact that i am working, paying down my student loan, and saving money mean that i shouldn't be able to have a party where people unload new pillows and down comforters and gift cards to bed bath & beyond on me? 

at this point in my life, i can afford to just buy these things.  however, if it ever gets to a point where i don't want to pay anymore, i can't make any promises that some poor schmuck wont be the victim of my "get free gifts" scheme where i marry him (party one) and have him buy me a house (party two) and then realize its not working out 1 year and 1 month later. 

my understanding is that if you divorce within a year, you have to give the stuff back.  yeah, not gonna happen.

the only real exception here is babies, because you can't divorce a baby or foreclose on one.  once you make on you are stuck with it.  its not like in 8 months you can decide its not going to work out and then break up with the baby.  so for now i will just stay away from that area and let me friends do the work.  and as i know very well, they are doing very well with covering the baby making. 

way to make me feel left out ya fertile myrtles!

Friday, July 9, 2010

baby on board (don't get excited mom)

so apparently the other day my grandma got a call from some democratic/harry reid group asking her if she would like to come see obama speak while he was in vegas. my assumption would be that she could probably bring me with, considering her current physical condition as a 74 year old.

she said no. the opposite of yes.

damnit grandma!!!

for some reason i was driving the other day and i saw someone who had a "baby on board" sign on their car. now i am not sure if there is one reason why people put these on their car, but i can only think of two reasons. one is that you have a baby and you want everyone to know because people love babies. the other is that you assume that my driving skills are below average and you would like to me to take some extra steps to reduce the likliehood that i will plow into you because you have a "baby on board".

last time i checked, i don't have a sign that says "living human on board" or "highly educated individual on board". i would like to think my driving is not that bad and for some jerky parent to assume that i drive like crap is just rude. i get it, you don't want me to hit you because there is a baby. well guess what...i dont want you to hit me either. i think the general consensus is that car accidents suck big ass. right? is there anyone that enjoys them, other than glen lerner? (thats local humor for my vegas peeps)

so i am happy to announce that the 15 now has pole things that separate the regular lanes from the express lanes. this sounds stupid to announce, but this situation has been a source of great annoyance for me. most people in the country understand that there is a reason for express lanes on the highway. you get in them and you don't get out until the next opening. that is why they are named differently. "express" and "regular" are not the same word, so you would think people could understand that their is some difference in their purpose. if you were supposed to be able to come in them and go as you please, they would be called regular lanes. or hookers.

well people here just don't get it. cars would hop in (over the 2 foot wide line between the lanes) and then hop out as they chose. not that it ever really affected me greatly by almost causing an accident or anything, but it was mentally stressful. how many times can you say outloud, in your car, "ya fuckin idiot"...before you just want to yell something out the window.

but now it's taken care of. i just cant wait for the day, and it will come, when someone tries to hop out of the express lanes by cutting through the poles.

you would think that this would not happen, but when you consider that my car insurance in las vegas with excellent credit, a masters degree, no accidents, and me being still $137 a month, you may understand why i hestitate to give other drivers the benefit of the doubt when it comes to assuming they won't do really stupid shit then they are driving.

maybe i should get a "baby on board" on sign.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

california - my thoughts via song commentary

katy perry - california gurls
...with commentary.

i know a place where the grass is really greener
yeah, it's called 80% of the united states, what are you getting at?

warm wet and wild there must be something in the water
agreed, agreed, and it's called salt you idiot.

sipping gin and juice laying underneath the palm trees (un-done)
more like UN-employed apparently. and good job on financial responsibility you alcoholics.

the boys break their necks trying to creep a little sneak peek (at us)
that's so cute. pedophiles in the making. do they also sneak peaks at the animals they torture?

you can travel the world but nothing comes close to the golden coast
i really liked london alot. paris was really nice. and if we are on the topic of places better than the "golden coast"...there is a truck stop in michigan that serves great cheese fries.

once you party with us you'll be fallin love
or you'll become a crack addict. or you will get a job working at a restaurant while you try and advance your non-realistic acting career.

california gurls we're unforgettable, daisy dukes bikinis on top
if by unforgettable you mean trailer trashy skanks who i would point out in public, then yes, you are quite unforgettable.

sun kissed skin so hot we melt your Popsicle
that's great, but will melted popsicles slow down the rate at which your skin cancer develops?

california gurls we're undeniable, fine fresh fierce we got it on lock
if we are going with alliteration, i would like to add "fucking freaks".

sex on the beach we got sand in our stilettos
so not only do you dress like skanks, you act like it too! be careful, sand in THOSE places can cause infections...

we freak in my jeep snoop doggy dogg on the stereo
what year is it?

...and then it just keeps repeating. shoot me.