r-e-h-e-a-r-s-e-l

it seems like any time i read an article about people who are billionaires, there always seems to be this common theme of living a frugal lifestyle.  they have billionaires living in regular sized houses and driving beater cars.  the message always seems to be that people with lots of money have all that money because they are frugal.  needless to say, i would disagree.  call it a hunch, but i suspect being frugal did not make you billions of dollars.  ask anyone i know and they will tell you that while i am not cheap, i rarely if ever pay full price for most things.  this is frugality.  now go look at my bank account and you will see that that I am about...a billion dollars away from being a billionaire.

i personally think billionaires live frugally because they know that if they don't want to, they don't have to.  imagine you are driving down the street in your beat up 98 escort.  someone yells out the window "nice car loser"...and you continue on just a little more depressed than you were a minute ago.  now imagine you are a billionaire and the same thing happens.  not only can you say to yourself "fuck that person, i'm a billionaire"...but as a billionaire, you realistically have the power to get that person's license plate, have a friend get their information, and then have them disappear off the face of the planet without a trace. 

other options include following them to the subway they are going to, walking in, beating them with a tennis racket (assuming you have one), and paying everyone in the subway to pretend like they never saw it...or running their car off the road and then when they get out of the car, having a conversation with them about how rude it is to make fun of people.  the last one anyone could really do, but i am guessing there would be damages to the cars and considering it would be the billionaires fault, he or she would most likely have to pay.  and that would be okay because unless like most of us who are unwilling to spend $2000 to make a point, a billionaire probably wouldn't mind.  either way, being a billionaire opens up so many doors when it comes to social injustice.  also i would imagine it would open many door when it comes to fine dining and shoe shopping.


i don't know if there is anyone out there reading this that can relate, but i have to say that if you ask any person who has ever been in a real spelling bee...and didn't win...they can tell you exactly what word they went out on and how they incorrectly spelt it.  looking back, the fact that i could spell "electroencephalograph" but couldn't manage to get "rehearsal" out is really pathetic.

"rehearsal, R-E-H-E-A-R-S-E-L, rehearsal" - i was the smartest person in my class and went out on that. i always seemed to find little ways to remind my mom how great it was that she was paying tuition for me to be at a private catholic school.  nothing says "thanks mom" like 11th place at a spelling bee.

i will say, they did give us a 15 page long word list to study, but just like every other test in my life, i studied all the details of the event and the people involved and where it took place and the reasons it happened...but yeah, i forget to look at the year...and thats the only fucking detail that is asked for on the damn test!

i remember vividly that justin nelson, my male counterpart in grade school (we were both fat and smart) placed higher than me in that spelling bee.  i didn't mind justin except for the fact that he was the source of much stress in my grade school life.  for some reason because we were both fat and smart and i just so happened to trade my lunchable meat stack for his bag of chips at lunch time, we were somehow "dating".  i always had to dispel the myth that we were a hot item.  last time i checked, there are a few ways to tell if two people are dating.  not one of them has anything to do with the stack of ham out of a lunchable.  fuckin third graders. they can be real assholes.

shark week

i didn't want to do it. i really did not. but i did.

i turned on discovery and watched the top five eaten alive by a shark stories. honestly, the title was misleading.  these people were all still alive, therefore they were not eaten alive. obviously.

my favorite one was a guy who found his head and shoulders inside of a great white's mouth.  i have got to say, i give the guy credit.  he fought the shark. i can't say i would do the same if i found myself in a sharks mouth.  regardless after a good fight, the shark let him go and he swam up to the boat.  he then decided that he was not going to stop diving in the same waters because he was not going to "let the shark win". 

last time i checked, having a shark try and eat you is not something that the shark did in an effort to fuck you up emotionally.  he was hungry. he saw food. he bit into the food.  this isn't some on and off relationship where you tell yourself you have to get back on the dating scene otherwise your ex-girlfriend wins the fight by knowing she fucked you up in the head.  its a shark. if you show up again and the shark is hungry, he will try and eat you.  there is not emotional or mental aspect.  you look like big fish and you taste delicious.  thats all the shark knows. idiot.


i also watched "i didn't know i was pregnant".  first of all, the fact that they have enough stories to create a weekly program out of this situation is pretty god damn scary...for any woman.  second, the specific one i was watching involved a woman who was in terrible pain, bleeding from her lady parts...and when the baby finally came out decided that the paramedics were crazy and there was no way that was her baby.  really lady?  your bleeding and having terrible cramping and then something comes flying out of your vagina to which you claim "made me feel so much better"...and there is a baby covered in uterus goo...and you still think there is no way it was yours?  after she finally figured out it was, she then told her other kids that they would be bringing home a special souvenir from their boating trip.  i don't know about you, but if my mom and dad went on a boating trip one day and came back with a baby, i would first wonder if my parents were kidnappers and then i would be pissed because babies get more attention.  thats bullshit mom and dad!!  i would rather just have a keychain!

flower arrangements

yesterday a woman came into our office.  this woman had two fake flower arrangements in her hands and stated that "hi, i make these, i have MS, this is my part time job". regardless of the fact that she looked like she hadn't showered in a few days and may have been crazy, i asked her if she had a card.  i was then told that she did not have a card and that i should just buy one of the two she was shoving in my face.  she then exclaimed "aren't they pretty". 

one of them had a huge owl decoration thing and it was totally pretty. pretty creepy.

i then passed her off onto my coworker who was nice enough to agree that they are pretty, but unfortunately she was not interested.  the lady then looked at me one more time in the hopes that maybe in the last 24 seconds i had found a need for her arrangements.  i did not. she got a sad face and left.

i then thought to myself "we really need to get a no soliciting sign".

last night i was laying in bed starving and with a headache.  i figured that this may have been caused be a lack of any food during the day, possibly..  i then made the decision that sleep was not going to happen until i put something in my mouth. dirty.  i went downstairs and grabbed two string cheese sticks and stole one of gma's diet cokes.  i then sat in my bed, eating what felt like the most delicious meal of my life.  it was that incredible of a meal that instead of being a civilized human and throwing the wrappers away, i was so happy that i just passed out.  can i just say that waking up with a string cheese wrapper stuck to your arm is both confusing and uncomfortable.  plus its not even classy.  and i wasn't even drunk.   i don't even know why im making this public knowledge.

sometimes when i blog, i think that maybe i should not be sharing such intimate details of my life and my thoughts.  i then realize that sometimes, we need to know that there are people out there that are more fucked up in the head than we are.  if i can be someone's "girl who's more fucked up in the head" than that person, i feel honored.  the reality is that it's a win win.  people can feel better about themselves, and i have the ability to save all of it so that 20 years down the line when my kids wonder why the hell they are so fucked up, they can have visual proof that it's not my fault. it's just genetics. and they should be happy that i only passed down my weirdo genetics and not my giant ass ones!