hey jack, where did the fridge door go?

on sunday, i decided that i was going to give up diet pepsi for a week. if i could make it a week, i was planning on trying two weeks. as many people know, diet pepsi is, effectively, my crack cocaine. up until today i was fine. screw you diet pepsi, i said. then today kicked in. i literally felt like i was either going to fall over and cry or find stray cat and rip its eyeballs out.

i would say a cat in general but pets are out of the question. that is someone's child.

so i have come to the conclusion that my addiction is something to be weened off slowly. if i get to a week and i still feel like inflicting eye injuries on family-less cats, i may have to get back on my crack. hi, my name is samantha and i have an addiction.


when we were younger, most kids got to go to the store and pick out cool sleds. what most kids didn't get though was a very creative polish father. instead of buying a sled, my dad thought to himself "gee, i have this old steel refridgerator door and a rope, this will work". bam, you have the best sled ever. you couldn't buy a sled that awesome. there just weren't enough creative dads and steel doors in the universe. the only downfall of this was that, as you may expect, being a fridge door and all, it didnt really have a braking system. if you went down the hill and there was a street close, you had one option. grab the rope and bail. i would say let it go into the street, but i am sure someone driving down the street would't appreciate suddenly having a large fridge door fly out in front of their car.

also, unlike regular lightweight plastic sleds, it was a FUCKING REFRIDGERATOR DOOR. and as we all know, if you want to go down the hill, you have to climb up, with your sled. not only was my dad awesome enough to invent it, he also carried it up. what a great creative polish dad!

do the humpty dance.

there was a headline on yahoo! about humpty dumpy so i clicked on it. it was a string of yahoo! answers about "how do we know humpty dumpty is an egg"?

from what i have seen of this character, i think the bigger question should be "does humpty dumpty like to touch little kids?"

according to yahoo! there are some missing lines to the poem. i suspect they are something like this:

humpty dumpty sat on a wall (scoping out the local elementary school)
humpty dumpty had a great fall (he saw one he liked),
all the kings horses and all the kings men, couldn't put humpty together again

overall they were not sad at what they could see
because they knew humpty was that kinda man
who once back together would immediately be
using candy to lure children into his windowless van

..this is just speculation.

didn't make it to church? here, put these skinny jeans on

let me say, i have and never will purchase a pair of skinny jeans. once i brought a pair into the dressing room on accident and immediately screamed loudly at how scary the image looking back at me was. that was with just one leg in the pants. newsflash: when you accidentally try on skinny jeans, it does not take both legs to figure that out.

with this said, i wasn't really sure as why skinny jeans were named as they were. that was, until after seeing them worn for a while, i realized this label was given to them because they should only be worn by skinny people. yeah, i said it. i don't think skinny jeans should be made in sizes bigger than 6. now some ladies may be thinking "well i wear a size 8 and i am skinny". no you are not. you are most definitely not fat, but you are not skinny, and neither are your thighs. ironically, i am one of those people who thinks people of all sizes should be able to wear a bikini if they want. more power to you if you are larger and want a damn tan! to me, that just tells me you have confidence. i suppose my issue with skinny jeans roots in how incredibly stupid they look on everyone. also, the people that i know personally that have worn them seem to have issues upstairs. although, i guess you would have to if you thought it was a good idea to wear spandex-like pants made of jean material.


when i was younger, and attended catholic school, the school decided to implement a program by which on mondays, they would come into class and ask you to write down which service you attended and two songs that had been sung. as if raping your family out of needed money wasn't enough, if you were a child of a family that had not made it to church that weekend, you had to either cheat and find someone who would tell you (naughty kids go to hell) or you had to suffer the humiliation of admitting you didn't go to church. back in the day, as some may know, my personality was quite different than today. i was a scared, nervous, crying way too much type of person. if i had known where i would be today, i would very likely instituted option 3.

"i didn't go to church because god doesn't exist. also the songs suck."

dear dad, i love you. also i got you this eraser.

its always been my hope to get into a verbal disagreement on a national holiday. such a strange request one may think. however, imagine you are just finishing up your exchange of words with this asshole (i would never verbally brawl with someone who wasn't) and you get to say..."ya know what, happy fucking easter to you too!!" or "merry fucking christmas to you too!" or "happy 4th of july to you! why don't you go shove a firework up your ass"

suggesting a firework up the ass just doesn't have the same effect on a random wednesday.


the other day at work, one of my co-workers announced that she thinks the activia is what is giving her constipation. my first thought was that if i had gone the entire day with knowing this, i probably would have survived. my next thought was that she needs to write a letter about this. thanks to jamie lee curtis, we are all aware of how activia can cure your digestive system woes. i just feel like taking the activia challenge without the outcome of dropping a smooth deuce is something to be brought to the attention of...someone (not in the office). wouldn't that be like buying pepto bismal that gave you violent diarrhea? what about viagra that made you limp for hours? epic failure.

note to self: stick with yoplait.


when i was younger, they used to have christmas gift fairs in the library at our school. i don't know about anyone else, but these things were a breeding ground for shit your parents won't ever use. now i understand that its nice to give school children the ability to get their sister or dad a gift and pick it out on their own, but what adult with a conscience physically removed money from my hand and replaced it with a gigantic eraser that said "worlds greatest dad"? i was in kindergarten and had limited funding, yes. but what evidence (written in pencil) is my dad going to be getting rid of that he needs a 6' by 2' worth of erasing power? i don't blame me. i blame capitalism.

and here i am.

welcome to my (not first) attempt at taking the blog world by storm.

...i apologize in advance for the format of this blog. it doesn't look like something work related so if your supervisor or nosey co-worker walks by, you may have to minimize.