r-e-h-e-a-r-s-e-l

it seems like any time i read an article about people who are billionaires, there always seems to be this common theme of living a frugal lifestyle.  they have billionaires living in regular sized houses and driving beater cars.  the message always seems to be that people with lots of money have all that money because they are frugal.  needless to say, i would disagree.  call it a hunch, but i suspect being frugal did not make you billions of dollars.  ask anyone i know and they will tell you that while i am not cheap, i rarely if ever pay full price for most things.  this is frugality.  now go look at my bank account and you will see that that I am about...a billion dollars away from being a billionaire.

i personally think billionaires live frugally because they know that if they don't want to, they don't have to.  imagine you are driving down the street in your beat up 98 escort.  someone yells out the window "nice car loser"...and you continue on just a little more depressed than you were a minute ago.  now imagine you are a billionaire and the same thing happens.  not only can you say to yourself "fuck that person, i'm a billionaire"...but as a billionaire, you realistically have the power to get that person's license plate, have a friend get their information, and then have them disappear off the face of the planet without a trace. 

other options include following them to the subway they are going to, walking in, beating them with a tennis racket (assuming you have one), and paying everyone in the subway to pretend like they never saw it...or running their car off the road and then when they get out of the car, having a conversation with them about how rude it is to make fun of people.  the last one anyone could really do, but i am guessing there would be damages to the cars and considering it would be the billionaires fault, he or she would most likely have to pay.  and that would be okay because unless like most of us who are unwilling to spend $2000 to make a point, a billionaire probably wouldn't mind.  either way, being a billionaire opens up so many doors when it comes to social injustice.  also i would imagine it would open many door when it comes to fine dining and shoe shopping.


i don't know if there is anyone out there reading this that can relate, but i have to say that if you ask any person who has ever been in a real spelling bee...and didn't win...they can tell you exactly what word they went out on and how they incorrectly spelt it.  looking back, the fact that i could spell "electroencephalograph" but couldn't manage to get "rehearsal" out is really pathetic.

"rehearsal, R-E-H-E-A-R-S-E-L, rehearsal" - i was the smartest person in my class and went out on that. i always seemed to find little ways to remind my mom how great it was that she was paying tuition for me to be at a private catholic school.  nothing says "thanks mom" like 11th place at a spelling bee.

i will say, they did give us a 15 page long word list to study, but just like every other test in my life, i studied all the details of the event and the people involved and where it took place and the reasons it happened...but yeah, i forget to look at the year...and thats the only fucking detail that is asked for on the damn test!

i remember vividly that justin nelson, my male counterpart in grade school (we were both fat and smart) placed higher than me in that spelling bee.  i didn't mind justin except for the fact that he was the source of much stress in my grade school life.  for some reason because we were both fat and smart and i just so happened to trade my lunchable meat stack for his bag of chips at lunch time, we were somehow "dating".  i always had to dispel the myth that we were a hot item.  last time i checked, there are a few ways to tell if two people are dating.  not one of them has anything to do with the stack of ham out of a lunchable.  fuckin third graders. they can be real assholes.

shark week

i didn't want to do it. i really did not. but i did.

i turned on discovery and watched the top five eaten alive by a shark stories. honestly, the title was misleading.  these people were all still alive, therefore they were not eaten alive. obviously.

my favorite one was a guy who found his head and shoulders inside of a great white's mouth.  i have got to say, i give the guy credit.  he fought the shark. i can't say i would do the same if i found myself in a sharks mouth.  regardless after a good fight, the shark let him go and he swam up to the boat.  he then decided that he was not going to stop diving in the same waters because he was not going to "let the shark win". 

last time i checked, having a shark try and eat you is not something that the shark did in an effort to fuck you up emotionally.  he was hungry. he saw food. he bit into the food.  this isn't some on and off relationship where you tell yourself you have to get back on the dating scene otherwise your ex-girlfriend wins the fight by knowing she fucked you up in the head.  its a shark. if you show up again and the shark is hungry, he will try and eat you.  there is not emotional or mental aspect.  you look like big fish and you taste delicious.  thats all the shark knows. idiot.


i also watched "i didn't know i was pregnant".  first of all, the fact that they have enough stories to create a weekly program out of this situation is pretty god damn scary...for any woman.  second, the specific one i was watching involved a woman who was in terrible pain, bleeding from her lady parts...and when the baby finally came out decided that the paramedics were crazy and there was no way that was her baby.  really lady?  your bleeding and having terrible cramping and then something comes flying out of your vagina to which you claim "made me feel so much better"...and there is a baby covered in uterus goo...and you still think there is no way it was yours?  after she finally figured out it was, she then told her other kids that they would be bringing home a special souvenir from their boating trip.  i don't know about you, but if my mom and dad went on a boating trip one day and came back with a baby, i would first wonder if my parents were kidnappers and then i would be pissed because babies get more attention.  thats bullshit mom and dad!!  i would rather just have a keychain!

flower arrangements

yesterday a woman came into our office.  this woman had two fake flower arrangements in her hands and stated that "hi, i make these, i have MS, this is my part time job". regardless of the fact that she looked like she hadn't showered in a few days and may have been crazy, i asked her if she had a card.  i was then told that she did not have a card and that i should just buy one of the two she was shoving in my face.  she then exclaimed "aren't they pretty". 

one of them had a huge owl decoration thing and it was totally pretty. pretty creepy.

i then passed her off onto my coworker who was nice enough to agree that they are pretty, but unfortunately she was not interested.  the lady then looked at me one more time in the hopes that maybe in the last 24 seconds i had found a need for her arrangements.  i did not. she got a sad face and left.

i then thought to myself "we really need to get a no soliciting sign".

last night i was laying in bed starving and with a headache.  i figured that this may have been caused be a lack of any food during the day, possibly..  i then made the decision that sleep was not going to happen until i put something in my mouth. dirty.  i went downstairs and grabbed two string cheese sticks and stole one of gma's diet cokes.  i then sat in my bed, eating what felt like the most delicious meal of my life.  it was that incredible of a meal that instead of being a civilized human and throwing the wrappers away, i was so happy that i just passed out.  can i just say that waking up with a string cheese wrapper stuck to your arm is both confusing and uncomfortable.  plus its not even classy.  and i wasn't even drunk.   i don't even know why im making this public knowledge.

sometimes when i blog, i think that maybe i should not be sharing such intimate details of my life and my thoughts.  i then realize that sometimes, we need to know that there are people out there that are more fucked up in the head than we are.  if i can be someone's "girl who's more fucked up in the head" than that person, i feel honored.  the reality is that it's a win win.  people can feel better about themselves, and i have the ability to save all of it so that 20 years down the line when my kids wonder why the hell they are so fucked up, they can have visual proof that it's not my fault. it's just genetics. and they should be happy that i only passed down my weirdo genetics and not my giant ass ones!

bowling.

so today is our company bowling party and i am proud announce that contrary to my normal reaction to bowling where i get word vomit and start telling everyone how i was all conference bowler sophomore year setting up everyone to be sorely disappointed when i suck, i kept my mouth shut. 

for me bowling has always been an interesting experience.  typically, someone will suggest it, which is when i then go into my schpeal about how amazing i am and how i can prove it with my 7th place ribbon if they would like.  i then show up, can't find a ball that is both visually pleasing and the right weight.  i bowl two frames and then my middle finger turns purple and hurts...and i then hate myself for agreeing to bowl.  this is not made up. this is what is and will happen for the rest of my life.  luckily, unlike most bowling experiences, this one today will have booze.  for some reason i think i may be able to handle the finger pain if i am tipsy and stuffing pizza in my face.  this is just a guess.

speaking of all conference bowler sophomore year...yeah, i have no real idea how that happened.  i do have the ribbon stating 7th place and somewhere i have a plaque. what i can't seem to grasp is how this all come to be considering i have never been good at bowling. not even close to good.  i never had a fancy glove or wrist thing...or anything else that bowlers use.  i also didnt know how to make my ball curve like the good people do.  i just aimed.

apparently, somehow, on the one day that it all counted....i must have just aimed really well. so well, in fact, that of all the people bowling, i hit the 7th most highest greatest amount of pins. or my score was the highest.  or something like that.  

in all honesty, i just saw being on the bowling team as something to do after school...and it was free bowling! who doesn't like free bowling?

today i heard the good charlotte song "boys and girls"...and one set of lyrics goes "not much to say in most conversations, but he'll foot the bill in all situation. 'cause he pays for everything".  is it bad that all i could think was that this was my type of man.  lets me talk about myself all the time and just pays for my shit.  i wouldnt even mind if he was a little stupid. damn.

free stuff.

why is it that the only time people get to have parties where they are showered with gifts is right as the are doing something that may or may not be a HUGE mistake?

bridal shower
baby shower
housewarming

now don't get me wrong, i don't want to put down the idea of getting married, having a baby, or getting a new house...but say that in my life, i choose not to get married, have a baby, or buy a house.  does this mean that i don't deserve to be showered with new kitchen and bathroom accessories at any point?  does the fact that i am working, paying down my student loan, and saving money mean that i shouldn't be able to have a party where people unload new pillows and down comforters and gift cards to bed bath & beyond on me? 

at this point in my life, i can afford to just buy these things.  however, if it ever gets to a point where i don't want to pay anymore, i can't make any promises that some poor schmuck wont be the victim of my "get free gifts" scheme where i marry him (party one) and have him buy me a house (party two) and then realize its not working out 1 year and 1 month later. 

my understanding is that if you divorce within a year, you have to give the stuff back.  yeah, not gonna happen.


the only real exception here is babies, because you can't divorce a baby or foreclose on one.  once you make on you are stuck with it.  its not like in 8 months you can decide its not going to work out and then break up with the baby.  so for now i will just stay away from that area and let me friends do the work.  and as i know very well, they are doing very well with covering the baby making. 

way to make me feel left out ya fertile myrtles!

baby on board (don't get excited mom)

so apparently the other day my grandma got a call from some democratic/harry reid group asking her if she would like to come see obama speak while he was in vegas. my assumption would be that she could probably bring me with, considering her current physical condition as a 74 year old.

she said no. the opposite of yes.

damnit grandma!!!


for some reason i was driving the other day and i saw someone who had a "baby on board" sign on their car. now i am not sure if there is one reason why people put these on their car, but i can only think of two reasons. one is that you have a baby and you want everyone to know because people love babies. the other is that you assume that my driving skills are below average and you would like to me to take some extra steps to reduce the likliehood that i will plow into you because you have a "baby on board".

last time i checked, i don't have a sign that says "living human on board" or "highly educated individual on board". i would like to think my driving is not that bad and for some jerky parent to assume that i drive like crap is just rude. i get it, you don't want me to hit you because there is a baby. well guess what...i dont want you to hit me either. i think the general consensus is that car accidents suck big ass. right? is there anyone that enjoys them, other than glen lerner? (thats local humor for my vegas peeps)


so i am happy to announce that the 15 now has pole things that separate the regular lanes from the express lanes. this sounds stupid to announce, but this situation has been a source of great annoyance for me. most people in the country understand that there is a reason for express lanes on the highway. you get in them and you don't get out until the next opening. that is why they are named differently. "express" and "regular" are not the same word, so you would think people could understand that their is some difference in their purpose. if you were supposed to be able to come in them and go as you please, they would be called regular lanes. or hookers.

well people here just don't get it. cars would hop in (over the 2 foot wide line between the lanes) and then hop out as they chose. not that it ever really affected me greatly by almost causing an accident or anything, but it was mentally stressful. how many times can you say outloud, in your car, "ya fuckin idiot"...before you just want to yell something out the window.

but now it's taken care of. i just cant wait for the day, and it will come, when someone tries to hop out of the express lanes by cutting through the poles.

you would think that this would not happen, but when you consider that my car insurance in las vegas with excellent credit, a masters degree, no accidents, and me being 25....is still $137 a month, you may understand why i hestitate to give other drivers the benefit of the doubt when it comes to assuming they won't do really stupid shit then they are driving.

maybe i should get a "baby on board" on sign.

california - my thoughts via song commentary

katy perry - california gurls
...with commentary.


i know a place where the grass is really greener
yeah, it's called 80% of the united states, what are you getting at?

warm wet and wild there must be something in the water
agreed, agreed, and it's called salt you idiot.

sipping gin and juice laying underneath the palm trees (un-done)
more like UN-employed apparently. and good job on financial responsibility you alcoholics.

the boys break their necks trying to creep a little sneak peek (at us)
that's so cute. pedophiles in the making. do they also sneak peaks at the animals they torture?

you can travel the world but nothing comes close to the golden coast
i really liked london alot. paris was really nice. and if we are on the topic of places better than the "golden coast"...there is a truck stop in michigan that serves great cheese fries.

once you party with us you'll be fallin love
or you'll become a crack addict. or you will get a job working at a restaurant while you try and advance your non-realistic acting career.

california gurls we're unforgettable, daisy dukes bikinis on top
if by unforgettable you mean trailer trashy skanks who i would point out in public, then yes, you are quite unforgettable.

sun kissed skin so hot we melt your Popsicle
that's great, but will melted popsicles slow down the rate at which your skin cancer develops?

california gurls we're undeniable, fine fresh fierce we got it on lock
if we are going with alliteration, i would like to add "fucking freaks".

sex on the beach we got sand in our stilettos
so not only do you dress like skanks, you act like it too! be careful, sand in THOSE places can cause infections...

we freak in my jeep snoop doggy dogg on the stereo
what year is it?



...and then it just keeps repeating. shoot me.

stay with me and we will eat mcmuffins all day

for some reason, everything exciting in my life happens at mcdonalds.

this morning i had to drag my lazy ass inside because there were 12 cars in the drive thru and i had no patience. as i am walking out with my cup of glorious diet coke, a man in his 50's says to me "please stay". note: i don't know this man.

i quickly responded with "gotta go to work!" and booked it out.

all i have to say is that if you want me to call off of work and stay with you...at mcdonalds...you have to be younger than 50. also alot better looking. also not the type of person who hits on women in mcdonalds at 750am. also have alot of money.

the other day i was going through the drive thru and there was a very distinct line that came out. i was waiting and suddenly this women decides to make her own drive thru line and then proceeds to cut me. now there were two options.

do nothing. do something.

i was in the mood. so i beeped. the first reaction from the cutter was to do some crazy hand motion at me and then flip me off. let me remind you, we were sitting in line, so there was no moving away. most of the time if you cut someone off or do something road rage-ish you can avoid eye contact. i could not. but i didnt care because cutters are rude. after her hand motions, i thought the hand signal assault was over. it was, but the verbal was just about to begin. i was look down for 8 cents and i look up only to see her window down, her face out of it, and i hear a very strong f-bomb dropped right in my direction.

sometimes ill sit around and wish i had a total beater piece of crap car. why? because when you run that bad boy into some asshole driver, any damage you cause you can just shrug off because well, you drive a beater!


i was at the school of hair design the other day and for the most part, it was people who just needed basic stuff. however, directly behind me was a woman who had come in to have her hair done for her wedding. now i am not one to judge but if there is one day that you may want to splurge on your hair, considering the amount of pictures and such, it would be your wedding day, right? i know not everyone has the money and i get that, but when it's your wedding day and you go to get your hair done, there should be no "we are not responsible for fucking up your hair" waivers involved. thats just me.

even my cheap ass would go to a salon. or what would happen is that i would plan on going to the school of hair design, i would tell my mom, and she would say something like "oh sam, i can give you a little money if you want to go to a real salon". this would be once she came out of "shocked" mode that i was actually getting married in her lifetime.

...these are their stories.

today i was driving into work and i looked over at a blue ford focus, only to see what looked like the 18 year old version of the tall scary looking rapper dude on law and order svu. i had to google the show to remember that his name is ice-t, however my gut instinct was to tell this young man that he looked like that rapper guy from law and order svu. i would have just said law and order, but for those of us who watch, we know that's not sufficient.

however, while i would have liked to inform him of this resemblance, anyone who knows what ice-t looks like would also know that if you see his 18 year old twin driving down the street, yelling something out your window probably is not the best idea. also, he most likely wouldn't know what i was talking about.

people who watch law and order svu all look alike. we are a very unique group of people and we all have that look in our eye. that look that says..."hey, i want to watch a crime show, but not any crime show. i want to see some sexually based offenses that are considered especially heinous. also, i would like to know that the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the special victims unit"....and we all want to know these stories.

also, those us who watch also have had this happen:

Person 1 - "hey, what are you watching"
Person 2 - "law and order svu"
***show comes back on***
Person 1 - "oh, i've seen this one, want me to tell you what happens?"
Person 2 - "yeah, i've seen it too, it's a good one though...can you believe it's the mom?!?"

every morning i stop and get my $1 diet coke at mcdonalds and 90% of the time they get it right. however, every now and then, i go to take a big gulp and get a mouthful of regular coke. this would be a bad situation if it weren't for the fact that i love mcdonalds cokes. what i don't love is the 8000 calories. so to make up for it, i just don't eat breakfast. if i am lucky enough for the universe to provide me a regular coke, i don't want to mess with that. granted there is no nutritional value in 32 oz of coca cola...but we all need a big cup of empty calories every now and then. i also like to think that they gave my diet to someone who ordered regular...and anyone who drinks regular and accidentally takes a big swig of diet coke knows what that situation is going to be like...and i think that is hilarious.

food.

why is it that people feel so inclined to be assholes at subway? i was getting my lunch today and i was literally sandwiched (no pun intended) between two total assholes. both asshole women. and yes, women can be real assholes.

the woman before me was about 75 years old and i was thinking..."i bet her and her cheap ass looking husband are going to split one sandwich and one soda." if i had a dollar for being correct, i would be one dollar richer. now the thing is, i don't even give a crap that they split the damn sandwich and soda. i could care less. what i did care about was her shitty attitude and the method by which she requested cheese on her sandwhich. this old hag ordered one piece of each cheese, to be distributed in that order, and specifically with the pepperjack cheese on the end. the guy accidentally placed the cheese in the third spot rather than the fourth. big mistake.

the woman behind me walked up, ordered three sandwiches in about 4.6 seconds, and then stood there pissed of when he confirmed the bread type and size. she also had on terry cloth pants and had a strong new york accent. i would have said something but in all honesty, i would have gotten my ass kicked. she looked like a hair puller.

then to top this whole thing off, when i asked for vinegar on my sandwich, the girl covered my veggie delight not in vinegar but rather in oil. she then attempted to scrape it off, but upon seeing the look of horror on my face, decided a new sandwich was in order.

thanks.


i hate people who act disgusted by fast food.

"oh my god, i would never put that garbage in my body. my body is a temple".

oh f**k off! if you can't sit down every now and then and enjoy a delicious burger with cheese and sauces and other meats that only cost you $2.99 and took 30 seconds to make...you are not american. go over to france, eat some bread, and stop trying to make the rest of us feel like crap!

some people like to think of themselves as food snobs. i just like to think of them as the people that don't ever get invited out to happy hour and then wonder why.

"its not that we don't like you...it's just that...well...yeah, your judgemental attitude and bad personality makes you annoying. also, we want to eat half price appetizers and don't need your disapproving looks. also, you were right, we just don't like you"

i will most def find that cure for cancer, just let me finish my fried chicken!

dear mcdonalds corporation,

please do not end this super fantastic $1 any size drink promotion you have going on. i will drink one every day if you keep it going. i may drink two.

what i think is hilarious though is that down the street at terribles, you can get a 32 oz soda for 75 cents. but guess what...you physically have to get out of your car to obtain one of these soda beverages. no thanks.

mcdonalds - "guess what america, you can get a large coke for one dollar and you don't ever have to get your lazy ass out of your car"

terribles - "damnit"


yesterday i was watching toddlers and tiaras on tlc...and i have to say, holy shit.

while there were so many moments that stick out to me as "wtf" moments, i will kind and only share my top three gems of the episode.

3. "contestant number 34...likes gymnastics...chicken and french fries" - apparently she has yet to learn the phrase about having cake and eating it too. or in this case french fries.

2. "when aubrey is on stage she is just so beautiful" - this wouldn't be bad except for the fact that it came out of the mouth of her creepy uncle standing in a hallway. hey creepy uncle, is there a reason why you aren't inside cheering her on? oh wait, what? you cant come within 50 feet of the children and this interview took place at a completely different location? ahh, gotcha.

1. "contestant number 17 loves fried chicken and wants to find a cure for cancer"...i got nothing.

honorable mention..."her one wish would be that everyone else's wishes come true"

....bullshit squared.

what i love the most is that all the moms seem to think this is turning there girls into people with "great self esteem". well moms, if by building self esteem you creating that mean little piece of shit in third grade who makes fun of everyone while she's throwing up her lunchable in the bathroom...then you are so right! go you mom! keep on living your own unaccomplishable dreams through your snotty 8 year old with fake teeth and eyelashes.

i love living in america at a time when we get to televise our freak shows. back in the day you had to be lucky to come across such batshit crazy people in action. now just turn on tv....and its awesome!

nice hummer freak.

today on my way to work i saw a hummer. now, my immediate reaction is "wow, what a great display of douche-bagery"...because only weirdos drive hummers. i have known two and one happened to be a woman who worked jobs from the staffing agency and would spend her hours at events telling us about her vast array of michael kors clothing and how everyone loves her.

one time she told me that at sema, the car convention, they were making her a spokesmodel and asking her to stand in front of all the "action". i showed up and she was taking auto parts and placing them in cabinets. spokesmodel eh? did i mention she was about 42.

now this hummer that i saw, it was unlike any hummer. i would describe it as...say...a hummer on moron steroids. ironically, the driver was probably on steroids too.

the driver of this classy mobile had his hummer covered in louis vuitton design.

"hey ladies, if you haven't figured out by my personality and my hummer that i have a tiny weiner, i thought i would demonstrate that for you by covering my car in your purse pattern in an attempt to impress you and take away the focus on the aformentioned tiny weiner that i have"


last weekend i got an iphone.

life changing.

i was able, yesterday, to participate in a relgious-driven facebook debate while i waited in line at taco bell! also, i have an app that tells me all the current happy hours going on right now.

half price well drinks at spearmint rhino anyone?

take the bastard back you woman!

from the focus on the family website

QUESTION: My husband, Paul, has been having an affair for the past three months and is living with the woman. How should I respond in the event that he leaves her and asks me to forgive him and take him back? Should I just throw my arms open and pretend the affair never happened?

ANSWER: Well, you should certainly take him back. That's the point of everything I've written. But your power to negotiate necessary changes will never be greater than in that moment, and you should not deal it away too quickly.


...yeah lady. im sorry your husband is a cheating bastard and has left you completely to live with the other woman. however, because i am ignorant jerk who could care less about your situation and only wishes to follow my religious beliefs, you need to take him back. that is, if he will have you. and you better hope he wants you back because without a man...honey you are useless!


i am starting to regret not stopping at the focus on the family information center in colorado springs. my sister is convinced that i would have gotten us arrested though. i am not totally convinced otherwise, but i would have liked to give it a try.

jeremy the jerk.

i learned a very valuable lesson today. if you have any idea that you may or may not be watching a television show involving up close and personal camera shots of someone getting a nose job, it's a good idea to hold off on eating lunch. i suspect that while i was watching this show, it looked like the youtube reaction videos of people watching "two girls one cup". if you have not watched these videos, please do so now. the parents/grandmas are the best.


of all the magical things that happened on our "posen or bust" roadtrip 2010 over the last few days, one of the best happened to be the kum and go gas stations. it wasn't, however the actual kum and go location that was of great excitement, but rather the conversation that ensued when we found out that they were having a "name our cup" contest. here are just a few of the entries that both my sister and i would like to submit.

kum sipper
kum drink
big kum gulp
big kum blast
medium, large, extra large
load buster

also, we thought if they needed a new advertisement..."with 35 locations in the des moines area, you can pretty much kum in one our locations, any time, day or night".

we also saw a gas station called "loaf n jugs" and we thought maybe kum and go could merge...

kum and jugs.


its funny how many random things come up on roadtrips. for instance, we were able to determine our price for being strapped onto the end of a windmill arm in nebraska and flung around for 10 rotations. my sister said $10,000. i came in a little lower at $500.


also, we were listening to christian radio and at one point, the guy said that if we support ENDA and allow businesses to be punished for discriminating against homosexuals, it will, of course, result in more gay marriages. yeah, i didn't follow that either! so, because we were stuck in a car with nothing else to do, i called the number they gave. i ended up on the line with guy named jeremy who after 15 minutes was unable to provide me with any type of research or facts to back up the statement. jeremy didn't seem to like my liberal point of view however he was nice enough to use his internet connection to attempt to find some pro-ENDA groups that i could contact. shockingly, after looking all over the world wide web, he could find none.

hey jeremy, i typed in pro-ENDA into yahoo! and found like two. i get a feeling jesus wouldn't like your dishonesty!

i do think jesus would enjoy the kum and jugs gas station though. he was a man after all.

he died of a heart attack...brought on by $15 blackjack.

i was at the airport yesterday watching airplanes and killing time until i had to pick up my aunt, and along with me, amongst other people, there was a family there with children. if you asked me what i thought a child's reaction to a plane taking off would be, i would guess excitement. apparently these children found it amusing to run after the plane while pretending to shoot guns at it.

thats not scary at all.


this was a conversation i had last night while at the venetian.

guy at blackjack table: "i have to go, i can't play this. i just can't play $15 a hand. i need a $5 table"
me: "you are not going to find that at the venetian. ever."
guy: "well i just can't play. they need to have a $5 table"
me: "that will never happen here. not on any night"
guy: "ok well i am just going to go. this is ridiculous. this just isn't right"

what a baby! who comes to las vegas on a friday night and expect $5 blackjack at any strip property? even the $5 handicap table at the bellagio, the one on the southeast end of the table games closest to registration with only 3 open spots for non-handicap people...doesn't even have $5 blackjack on friday nights. not that i know or anything.


note to people: whn u write on ur fb n u spl shit lk this, u r makin urself look lk a fking idiot. thx!


i dont know how to tell you this, but if you find yourself playing beer pong in the back of the imperial palace casino in your swim trunks around 1am...there may be a good chance that if someone was giving away awards for classiness, you would not win one. also if you are the girlfriend of the guy in his swim trunks and you are the one playing beer pong with him in your bathing suit, you probably will not be winning one either. and you can forget classiest couple. im just saying.


this morning i heard a really loud annoying noise out my bedroom window as i was trying to sleep. i was highly considering yelling "can you please be quiet" but decided i wouldn't be that mean lady who yells out the window. it was a good thing because as it turns out, the noise was coming from guys who were pouring cement into the holes for the footngs...for the patio cover...in my back yard.

pause before you...ah, forget it...im rich.

...so basically play before you pause...if you are not wealthy. however, if you have money and people to take care of your baby while you go out and preach abstinence (irony) and make commercials (and not to mention tens of thousands of dollars) that only stem from the fact that you did get knocked up, well then, in the words of the great poet missy elliot...get ur freak on.

some people think she is doing a good thing by going out and preaching abstinence to teens because she has been there and, well, she knows all about it! i have a feeling that putting on jeans and a plain t-shirt and filming a PSA in an empty apartment with some child actor is far from what it's like actually living alone in an empty apartment with a baby that forces you to sacrafice everything just so that it can eat and have diapers. nice try bristol palin, but i would have to say your psa is an epic failure.

also an epic failure, your mom. at pretty much everything other than saying really stupid shit.

16 and pregnant...oops

so apparently i am playing a new game called "how many generic rejections can i get from mgm mirage"

Dear SAMANTHA,
Thank you for your interest in the position of CONCIERGE at Mandalay Bay.
Unfortunately, we are unable to extend a job offer to you at this time.

Dear SAMANTHA,
Thank you for your interest in the position of CONCIERGE at Mirage.
Unfortunately, we are unable to extend a job offer to you at this time.

Dear SAMANTHA,
Thank you for your interest in the position of SLOT MARKETING ANALYST at Mirage.
Unfortunately, we are unable to extend a job offer to you at this time.

Dear SAMANTHA,
Thank you for your interest in the position of ADVERTISING ACCOUNT SUPERVISOR at MGM MIRAGE.
Unfortunately, we are unable to extend a job offer to you at this time.

fml.


if you almost hit a homeless person with your car are you obligated to give them a couple dollars for the trauma they may or may not have experienced?


after watching my fav fav fav reality show, 16 and pregnant, very thoroughly over the last few months, i have decided that maybe it needs a cooler name. 16 and pregnant...then something clever. the following are my suggestions;

16 and pregnant

...because abortion isn't an option in our conservative family
...because my piece of shit boyfriend will change when the baby comes, i just know it
...neither of us have jobs but we will make it work
...but i still think i should be able to party every night
...because my mom will just take care of the baby
...fuck, this was a bad idea
...and my piece of shit boyfriend is still a piece of shit, damn

when if doubt, go with slutty mannequins

i was at subway yesterday getting my usual turkey breast footlong and i noticed something odd. on the menu, they had some options for more "healthy" beverages and sides. you can get a bottle of water and apples with your sub if you want. wonderful, isnt it?

however, as i was at the register i noticed that they also had a very plentiful offering of cookies. chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin, sugar...all looked delicious and fantastic. in front of the cookies, though, was a little sticker placed on each cookie shelf that read "c'mon, one won't hurt"

"hey there, we know you are a little overweight so we have made it easy for you to choose healthy options for your lunch. aren't we great? yeah, we know. the only thing is, we also know that you will rationalize water and apples as a reason to get a cookie, so...C'MON, ONE WON'T HURT!".

assholes.

i was driving to work today and on the side of the i-15 there is this random used car lot. what i noticed today, however, was the hot new addition of scantily clad mannequins to the car lot. in no way can i convince myself that this place has a marketing person, but if they did, i would suggest that person be fired. what i imagine is this:

owner: "how can we get people to our used car lot"
salesman: "what about a billboard ad"
owner: "no, too expensive"
salesman: "ad in the paper"
owner: "still too much"
salesman: "mannequins dressed up like slutty women"
owner: "BINGO!"

nothing makes me want to buy a severely dented dodge neon more than a whorish mannequin leaning on the fence next to it.

thanks alot, jesus. if that's really your name.

there is a billboard on the side of the i-15 southbound that reads "heaven or hell"...and under heaven there is a phone number to call and under hell it quotes a bible verse or something.

1. the phone number for heaven is an 877 number. you call yourselves righteous? more like cheapskates.

2. i once called the number to see what happened and a man with a strong middle eastern accent answered and identified himself as pastor something or other. apparently even heaven outsources their call centers. i hung up though because i really didn't have anything to say to heaven. which leads to...

3. where is the phone number for hell!?!!? id honestly rather call hell. i mean, who wouldn't want to know what their accommodations are going to be for eternity? do i need a toothbrush? are ipods provided? do they serve premium liquor? this is the important stuff.

thanks for nothing heaven billboard. also thanks for sending jobs overseas. isn't jesus supposed to like america the best?

doesn't my face look cool at this angle?

i was driving home from class the other night and i saw a truck with a bumper sticker that said "like it or not, obama is a bum". really? is that all you could think of? a bum. nothing intelligent involving maybe something that would show you actually have any other knowledge of obama or politics in general? nice job asshole. did i mention he was driving a teal colored dodge truck and had on a trucker hat and a gross amount of facial hair? oh, i didn't mention that? ok, well now i did. maybe someone will agree that before you go around making accusations about people, you may want to check and make sure you are not the websters dictionary definition of that exact thing. sometimes i think freedom of speech should only be given to people who are a) smart enough to speak or b) hilarious.


why is it that when people take pictures of themselves, they fail to notice the shit in the background. note: its ok to take your own picture as long as it doesn't scream "desperate for attention"...and we all know what i am talking about. regardless, i have seen several of these where behind the idiotic facial pose, which as we all know just reeks of sex appeal, there is shit all over the floor or shit all over the bathroom sink. side thought: bathroom mirror pictures are reallllly stupid. your shower curtain was not made to be a glamour shots backdrop. sorry.

back to my initial thought...do people actually think their mediocre looking face is going to take away from the fact that they are a dirty slob? do they actually think "god, i am so attractive that no one will notice that pile of dirty clothes"? i have an idea. how about we clean our room before we take stupid pictures of ourselves. that or maybe before you buy a camera you have to take a test for narcisism. my guess is the people who i am talking about don't even know what "narcisism" means...and if they did, you couldn't find out because they are probably too busy in the bathroom taking their own picture.

hate your life? watch saw movies.

today i was laying around aimlessly doing nothing. i was bored and i thought "wow, this is kind of a shitty day". i then turned on saw II and there was a scene where a girl gets thrown into a pit of needles and has to search for a key. i then realized that maybe my day wasn't going so badly. i then came across saw III on the tv where a man was being drowned in liquified pigs. yeah, freshly blended whole pigs...one at a time. again, maybe i shouldn't complain.


i was at ross in the shoe section and i overheard a employee say "yeah, those shoes are so comfortable except that they kill your ankles". so what she was saying is that the shoes are so comfortable except that they are incredibly uncomfortable? thanks for the advice ross employee. do you have any underpants that are so comfortable except that they cause a weird itch? maybe you have some towels that are so comfy except that they don't dry you off?


at the gym by my house they only have 4 tvs, one of which they play fox news. i happend to look over and bam, there he was, mister "alcoholic convienently turned mormon" glenn beck. i found it ironic that he was talking on the subject of indoctrinating children with lies. ironic because his viewing audience are pretty much conservative bible beaters at a 7th grade reading level to whom he indoctrinates with lies. anyways, i was watching this and i thought "oh no, someone here may think i am actually interested in glenn beck" but then i realized i had a disgusted look plastered on my face. crisis averted.

gym bag for sale

yesterday at the blackjack tournament i was reminded of the fact that there is no way that god exists. here is why. i was sitting next to a grumpy old lady who apparently had places to be. my advice to her would be don't sign up for a tournament if you made other plans. either way, she had one of the worst attitudes i have seen in a long time. the moral of the story, however, is that she got dealt the best hands. i find it hard to believe that any god would allow someone with such a bad attitude to get so many 20's and 21's. no way.


the other day i was in the vicinity of a las vegas athletic club that i had never been to and i needed a quick workout so i decided to try it out. i should have known from the outside that it wasn't somewhere i should go, but i wasn't gonna judge the book by its cover. i totally should have. not only was this place older than the ghetto women's workout world in tinley park, illinois, but when i was trying to get my shit and get out, a larger naked lady came over and stood right next to me, blocking my exit path. in addition, her bare ass touched my gym bag.

i understand that i could have never known from the outside of the building that my gym bag would be sexually molested by an old lady's butt or that when i got on the treadmill my head would be a foot from the massive television due to low ceilings, but something tells me that there was a reason i knew not to go there before. however, i did learn a valuable lesson.

when you look at a gym from the outside and it looks like it was built in 1948, there is a good chance someone who was born in 1948 will be naked in there. also, it will smell like death.


it kind of sucks when you get into an mba program and you are right at the end ready to graduate and then you realize, "wow, they let anyone in here".

hey jack, where did the fridge door go?

on sunday, i decided that i was going to give up diet pepsi for a week. if i could make it a week, i was planning on trying two weeks. as many people know, diet pepsi is, effectively, my crack cocaine. up until today i was fine. screw you diet pepsi, i said. then today kicked in. i literally felt like i was either going to fall over and cry or find stray cat and rip its eyeballs out.

i would say a cat in general but pets are out of the question. that is someone's child.

so i have come to the conclusion that my addiction is something to be weened off slowly. if i get to a week and i still feel like inflicting eye injuries on family-less cats, i may have to get back on my crack. hi, my name is samantha and i have an addiction.


when we were younger, most kids got to go to the store and pick out cool sleds. what most kids didn't get though was a very creative polish father. instead of buying a sled, my dad thought to himself "gee, i have this old steel refridgerator door and a rope, this will work". bam, you have the best sled ever. you couldn't buy a sled that awesome. there just weren't enough creative dads and steel doors in the universe. the only downfall of this was that, as you may expect, being a fridge door and all, it didnt really have a braking system. if you went down the hill and there was a street close, you had one option. grab the rope and bail. i would say let it go into the street, but i am sure someone driving down the street would't appreciate suddenly having a large fridge door fly out in front of their car.

also, unlike regular lightweight plastic sleds, it was a FUCKING REFRIDGERATOR DOOR. and as we all know, if you want to go down the hill, you have to climb up, with your sled. not only was my dad awesome enough to invent it, he also carried it up. what a great creative polish dad!

do the humpty dance.

there was a headline on yahoo! about humpty dumpy so i clicked on it. it was a string of yahoo! answers about "how do we know humpty dumpty is an egg"?

from what i have seen of this character, i think the bigger question should be "does humpty dumpty like to touch little kids?"

according to yahoo! there are some missing lines to the poem. i suspect they are something like this:

humpty dumpty sat on a wall (scoping out the local elementary school)
humpty dumpty had a great fall (he saw one he liked),
all the kings horses and all the kings men, couldn't put humpty together again

overall they were not sad at what they could see
because they knew humpty was that kinda man
who once back together would immediately be
using candy to lure children into his windowless van

..this is just speculation.

didn't make it to church? here, put these skinny jeans on

let me say, i have and never will purchase a pair of skinny jeans. once i brought a pair into the dressing room on accident and immediately screamed loudly at how scary the image looking back at me was. that was with just one leg in the pants. newsflash: when you accidentally try on skinny jeans, it does not take both legs to figure that out.

with this said, i wasn't really sure as why skinny jeans were named as they were. that was, until after seeing them worn for a while, i realized this label was given to them because they should only be worn by skinny people. yeah, i said it. i don't think skinny jeans should be made in sizes bigger than 6. now some ladies may be thinking "well i wear a size 8 and i am skinny". no you are not. you are most definitely not fat, but you are not skinny, and neither are your thighs. ironically, i am one of those people who thinks people of all sizes should be able to wear a bikini if they want. more power to you if you are larger and want a damn tan! to me, that just tells me you have confidence. i suppose my issue with skinny jeans roots in how incredibly stupid they look on everyone. also, the people that i know personally that have worn them seem to have issues upstairs. although, i guess you would have to if you thought it was a good idea to wear spandex-like pants made of jean material.


when i was younger, and attended catholic school, the school decided to implement a program by which on mondays, they would come into class and ask you to write down which service you attended and two songs that had been sung. as if raping your family out of needed money wasn't enough, if you were a child of a family that had not made it to church that weekend, you had to either cheat and find someone who would tell you (naughty kids go to hell) or you had to suffer the humiliation of admitting you didn't go to church. back in the day, as some may know, my personality was quite different than today. i was a scared, nervous, crying way too much type of person. if i had known where i would be today, i would very likely instituted option 3.

"i didn't go to church because god doesn't exist. also the songs suck."

dear dad, i love you. also i got you this eraser.

its always been my hope to get into a verbal disagreement on a national holiday. such a strange request one may think. however, imagine you are just finishing up your exchange of words with this asshole (i would never verbally brawl with someone who wasn't) and you get to say..."ya know what, happy fucking easter to you too!!" or "merry fucking christmas to you too!" or "happy 4th of july to you! why don't you go shove a firework up your ass"

suggesting a firework up the ass just doesn't have the same effect on a random wednesday.


the other day at work, one of my co-workers announced that she thinks the activia is what is giving her constipation. my first thought was that if i had gone the entire day with knowing this, i probably would have survived. my next thought was that she needs to write a letter about this. thanks to jamie lee curtis, we are all aware of how activia can cure your digestive system woes. i just feel like taking the activia challenge without the outcome of dropping a smooth deuce is something to be brought to the attention of...someone (not in the office). wouldn't that be like buying pepto bismal that gave you violent diarrhea? what about viagra that made you limp for hours? epic failure.

note to self: stick with yoplait.


when i was younger, they used to have christmas gift fairs in the library at our school. i don't know about anyone else, but these things were a breeding ground for shit your parents won't ever use. now i understand that its nice to give school children the ability to get their sister or dad a gift and pick it out on their own, but what adult with a conscience physically removed money from my hand and replaced it with a gigantic eraser that said "worlds greatest dad"? i was in kindergarten and had limited funding, yes. but what evidence (written in pencil) is my dad going to be getting rid of that he needs a 6' by 2' worth of erasing power? i don't blame me. i blame capitalism.

and here i am.

welcome to my (not first) attempt at taking the blog world by storm.

...i apologize in advance for the format of this blog. it doesn't look like something work related so if your supervisor or nosey co-worker walks by, you may have to minimize.